Saturday, November 20, 2010

Silent Saturday

Silent Saturday is an idea I got from several wonderful blogs that I read like this one and this one.  It is a single, special moment to remember from our week - no words.

Friday, November 19, 2010

For all of these and much, much more

Each breath that ties me to this fallen world and the life I love; 
This imperfect body that cradles and nourishes my growing babe; 
Strong legs and firm feet that walk on crunching leaves and run in early morning light;  
Eyes that see soft sunshine filter through the Autumn leaves and the shy, unconscious smile that really lights up my husband's face;  
A mouth that sings lullabies and silly songs and shushes my little one back to sleep; 
A tongue that savors warm bread, pumpkin lattes, chocolate cupcakes, and all things good to eat;
Hands that feel and grasp and pet soft brown fur;
Ears that hear the staccato of a wooden spoon exploring every surface within reach and the soft, sleepy talk of my little one nestling in at night ;
A nose that smells the coffee brewing and the scent that comes on a cold, rainy day;
A mind that remembers, a soul that hopes and a heart that is held by my Savior.

I am thankful.


Monday, November 15, 2010

med schools, residencies, fellowships - oh, my!

This morning J started his PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) rotation.  He leaves before the sun comes up and gets home long after dark.  It's an especially hard rotation during the winter months because the days are so much shorter.  We miss him terribly, especially Bo who goes to bed between 6:30-7:30, and me who must do the cooking, bathing, baby-wrangling, and bed-time routines alone.  But J loves and is so dedicated to the work - the challenge, the medicine, the critical thinking, the patient care - that goes into PICU.  He loves it so much that he is considering applying for a fellowship.

What is a fellowship?  A fellowship is intensive training in a specialized field.  The length of a fellowship depends on the specialty.  The length of a PICU fellowship is equivalent to that of a pediatric residency - 3 years.  The lifestyle of a PICU attending (doctor speak for "upper level doctor") means long hours... er... longer hours, and is not exactly *my* ideal of a "family-friendly" profession.  J's schooling to date: 4 years of high school + 4 years of college + 4 years of medical school + 1.5 years of residency (he still has a year and a half to go).  For our family a fellowship would mean another 3 years of schooling and a move.  As it stands, the three closest fellowships are Duke, UNC, or Emory, and in *my* opinion, all are waaay too far from home.

I am so against this that I can feel my heels digging in, my back stiffen, and my jaw tighten at the mention of the word "fellowship".  I am comfortable here - in our hometown, close to family and friends, snug in our little home.  I know my way around here.  I enjoy our Sunday night dinners with family.  I like taking Bo to the parks downtown, meeting friends for coffee, shopping the Farmer's Market, having people who love my little family just a few streets away.  I love our libraries and the family-centered feel of this town.  If we were to have more children (eventually) I would want to use my same doula, doctor, and hospital.  I want my children to grow up here - where their parents grew up - close to their family.  I feel like a fellowship puts our life on hold, and I can't think of a single reason to pack up and move who-knows-where for any reason.  But is that good enough?   Are my fears and expectations good enough reasons to keep my husband from fulfilling his professional calling? 

I'll reservedly admit that they probably are not, but I can't help but feel like Dorothy on her trip to see the Wizard.  My heart, my brain, and my courage are all lacking.  When I finally meet the Wizard will I finally realize that, all along, the journey is what was important and the destination was just the motivation I needed to make the trip?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The SAH Club

Here's some back story:
Last year my husband finished medical school and we relocated so he could begin residency.  I had been teaching a Preschool Intervention Class in the public school system of our previous home, and worked with children and parents that I love and dearly miss.  Our move came at a difficult time for the school systems of South Carolina - budgets were being cut and jobs lost.  Although I applied for several jobs in the public and private sector there were simply no jobs to be had.  In the middle of this job search, we found out about a new addition to our family in the form of a positive pregnancy test!  Our budget was missing my income, but I knew I wanted to stay home with my baby.  At that time we found out that my husband's boss was looking for a babysitter 3 days a week and I jumped on it!  It wasn't a high-paying job, but it was low-stress and provided a cushion for our income, and kept me busy during Josh's long hours as an intern.  There were just two children - I would pick up the 3-year-old from preschool at noon and her 7-year-old brother would come home at 3.  The children were enjoyable and the parents were easy-going employers.  After Bowen's birth in February the family asked me to come back and gave me as much time as I needed before returning.  I took 8 weeks, returning in April with my babe in tow, and worked until a couple weeks ago.  This is where the story gets a bit complicated so I'll just sum it up quickly: I voluntarily gave up my job due to a change in the family dynamics.  It had been building for some time, and although I am happy to be available for B "full-time" I am missing the fact that I had a job and an income. 

Does this mean I am now officially a member of the SAH club?  That my days are strictly filled with the drudgery of laundry, cleaning, snotty noses, dirty diapers, and the monotony of routine?  I find myself wondering who I am now that I can not claim to be a part of the work force.  I feel almost embarrased when people ask politely, "What do you do?"  A question in our culture that is synonymous with WHO ARE YOU?  Um...  I don't know!?  I used to be so proud to say "teacher".  Now, when I say "mom", I find myself gauging their reaction - do they approve?  feel sorry for me?  look horrified or resentful?  But really, why do I need their approval?  I LOVE being a wife and mama.  I like spending my days chasing my crawler from room to room, washing his diapers, nursing him to sleep, reading to him and playing on the floor with him, catching his sly smile as he reaches for the outlet... one more time, and smothering him with kisses any time of day - just because.  I am admittedly not the best housekeeper or cleaner, but I do enjoy the work that goes into caring for a home - dishes stacked in the cupboard, clean sheets on the bed, a freshly mopped kitchen, a fridge full of good foods to be cooked or baked.  It's more fun to be with baby than it is to clean, but I do provide my husband with a comforting place to land after a harried day of work, a listening ear for his discoveries about medicine or some bit of knowledge he gained, and the time that I wouldn't have if I was planning lessons and attending PTA meetings - or even babysitting.

So, ask me any time and I'll tell you - with pride and gusto - yes! I am a full fledged, card-carrying member of the SAH club and proud of it!!!  My worth as a person isn't dependent on a job, an income or even the status of my family.  My worth is secure in the grace and love of a King who reigns in a place I call my true home.  I'm looking forward to what the future holds - creating memories, encouraging creativity, providing learning opportunities, and relying on grace to keep it all together. 

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fall Back

I'll wager that the needs of young children were not accounted for when the idea for Daylight Savings Time was conceived.  How do I know this?  My 4:45 wake up call, of course!  My sweet husband took that call for me, but all the same, who really benefits from this shifting of time?  Not wee ones or their mama's and daddy's... 

Naps for all!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Blog Happens

This is the blog of a woman, wife, mama, friend, daughter, seeker, dreamer.  I am constantly discovering, reflecting, and adjusting to this gift I call "life".  I hope that this blog will reflect my journey.  Here you'll find out more about my life as a wife and mama; photos of goings-on in our lives; reviews of books, music, poetry, movies, toys, recipes, and bits of anything else I fancy.  I don't know what will transpire, expire, or inspire here, but welcome all the same and thanks for reading.  Feel free to browse, comment, and overlook my comma splices!